Harry Potter and the MagicalArtifact
by qtkitten13
Summary: Set before Deathly Hallows and as a rule, ignores it. Harry is worried about Voldemort returning and using Ginny to get to him and so considers not going back to school. Complete humor, mockery of all things Harry Potter and mockery of obscure fanfic pair
1. When Harry Met Ginny On the platform

_Like lol,_ Harry thought as he packed. _My last year at Hogwartz…but am I really endangering everyone by going back? Maybe I should…_

Harry's thoughts were interrupted by Hedwig coming into his window. She was holding a message, which smelled of lavender and was written on a reddish-tinted paper he recognized as stationary belonging to the Weasleys. Hedwig pecked Harry's finger affectionately, as she does, as if to say "DAMMIT, feed me you motherfucker, before I peck your fucking finger off you little bitch."

It was, as Harry had suspected, a letter from Ginny. Although he had insisted they stop seeing each other for her own safety, _she_ still insisted that she make sure he is all right. He sighed, such sweetness only made him like her more. Not only did he like her for that, but he was attracted to her physically. He found himself thinking about her and becoming quite aroused, and without realizing what was happening, he had reached into his jeans and pulled out his 11.5 inch, hard wand. Fortunately, he was licensed to do magic outside of Hogwarts now, as he cast an autoerotic charm non-verbally, non-somatically. He was beginning to get good at casting it without his wand either. The energy flowed from his wand, white and thick, and into his pants, which provided the proper amount of friction and lubrication to pleasure him, while leaving his hands free to read the message from Ginny. While he read it, out of the scroll fell a smaller piece of parchment, which he picked up and looked at curiously. It was a picture of Ginny, enchanted to move as most wizards' pictures are, and this one blew him a kiss. And then she stood up, and began dancing. He noticed she was wearing a tank top and very short denim shorts. The sight of her long legs and her long red hair falling on her bare shoulders was enough to get him off once, but the autoerotic charm reloaded him and kept going. The specific autoerotic charm he was using was, coincidentally, Weasley's Autoerotic Manipulative Charm, which was discovered by Fred and George Weasley, and they sold people the knowledge for only a knut. They taught it to Harry for free, of course, although they didn't know of his and their sister's relationship.

Now she was beginning to pull off her shirt, exposing her bellybutton, which was perfectly round, beautifully formed, not too deep nor too shallow. She had her arms crossed and she lifted off the tank top, exposing a lacy black bra. She twirled a few times, ending up facing away from Harry, and unhooked her bra, and tossed it aside so that her bare, freckled back, and her lovely red hair which now laid on it. She put her arms up to her chest and turned around, covering her breasts and manipulating them as she continued squirming in a sort of snake dance. She pressed them together – God they were big considering she was only 16. She moved her hands to lift up her breasts, revealing her erect nipples, and lifted them up to her head, while she bent her neck to lick them, first one, then the other. Then she dropped both her hands and put them in her pants and began rubbing, until it was apparent she had her fill, at which point so did Harry.

"Harry!" Dudley called up, although none too loudly. "Are you busy?"

The greatest thing about Weasley's Autoerotic Charm was the lack of clean up. Harry didn't even need to pull on clothes; he could cast it fully clothed.

"Nah Dudley, you can come in."

Dudley came in timidly. He had lost a bit of weight and gained a bit of muscle, so he wasn't looking too bad. His blue eyes and blonde hair did a lot for it too.

Harry waved his wand absentmindedly, Dudley coiled back in terror.

"What did you want?" he said, although not unkindly, rather to the point.

"D-Dinner is ready, is all," he said, bowing and moving backwards out of the room.

Harry sighed and left as well, locking up the door as he went, and glided down the stairs. Quite literally.

"So, er, are you going to school again this year?" Aunt Petunia asked.

"YES," Harry said his eyes glowing red, full of power.

"Ah, how are things with that fellow, Lord whatshisname?"

"VOLDEMORT," Harry replied. "DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK HIS NAME."

"I didn't, er, know, his-"

"SILENCE. HIS NAME IS LORD VOLDEMORT. HE SHALL BE DEFEATED."

"Er..er…how about things with that girl?"

"GINERVA WEASLEY…my..ginny." He finished, the fire going out of his eyes as he thought about her, her soft touch and silky hair, her warm breath and the taste of her tongue.

The rest of the family breathed a sigh of relief to have the monster calmed, if only for a while. But then his eyes re-lit.

"THANK YOU FOR DINNER AUNT PETUNIA," it said. "IT WAS LOVELY."

Fortunately for them, the next day was when he left. They eagerly drove him to King's Cross Station, and he bid them farewell.

"Goodbye, Dursleys. Thank you for your hospitality. May you live in interesting times and may you lead an interesting life," he finished cryptically, and then vanished through the wall to Platform 9.75. The next day, the Dursleys would end up moving.

But on the platform, on the day, Harry saw the Weasleys. It was, of course, good to see Ron, but Ginny… oh, she looked beautiful in her pink halter top and white skirt, and pink flip-flops. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and revealed pink star shaped earring studs. She hugged Harry, slightly longer and closer than a normally friendly hug, but not so much that their parents paid any attention, as they were fussing with Ron at the time.

"How have you been?" she asked, although she had just sent a letter the previous day.

"All right, considering," he replied, looking into her eyes, greener and deeper than his, beautiful pools of iridescence that – oh fuck it, you know as well as I that he was imagining banging her.

"Harry," Ginny said seriously, contracting her brows. "I'm worried about you."

"I know… I wish we could be together, but it's more dangerous for you. Maybe…I should stay away from Hogwarts."

"No! Hogwarts is the safest place for you, Harry! You know that, Dumbledore told you," she pleaded, tears beginning to well in her beautiful pools of – mmm, sex.

"Dumbledore is dead," Harry said simply, as though that answered it.

"There are plenty of other competent teachers," she argued. "McGonagall is a great Headmistress, and who else would you want as the new head of Gryffindor other than Hagrid?"

"I don't fear for the school's safety, Ginny, as long as I'm not there, at least."

"Harry, please…"

"I told you already that we shouldn't be with each other because Lord Voldemort might use you to get to me. He did already, and that was before.." he realized he was going to say 'before I loved you,' but also realized that was a lie, he loved her, or at least lusted after her, back there as well. He let the sentence hang and Ginny got the point.

"Besides," he continued, not showing any emotion that may have been welling up in him. "The school was breached before, and Dumbledore even trusted Snape."

"Please come, Harry," Ginny pleaded, eyes twink – sex. "Come, come with me."

While Harry's mind told him he should keep everyone safe, the beast within him really wanted to listen to Ginny and come. Oh boy did he want to come, he wanted to come so badly… he hoped Ginny wouldn't look down.

"All right," he said at last. "I'll come to Hogwarts, but at the first sign of danger, I'm leaving."

"Oh Harry!" she shouted with glee, throwing her arms around him, and noticed what Harry had feared as his rock-hard penis rubbed against her thigh. "Oh Harry," she repeated, more slyly. She winked, and Harry shook his head sadly.

"You know that we can't," he said. "As much as both of us want to, you know Voldemort would just use it against me."

"Dammit Harry! I don't give a shit about Voldemort! He can't change how we feel about each other, and neither can we! We might as well try to keep the sun from rising! I love you with the passion of a thousand moons and …"

Ginny ranted on for a bit while Harry imagined banging her. Mmm, sex.

They boarded the train and got a room with Hermione and Ron, although Harry knew he shouldn't be with them lest anything happen. But Ginny did have a very good point; he couldn't help how he felt. Ron and Hermione cuddled, with Hermione laying her head in Ron's lap, as he stroked her somewhat straggly brown hair. She moaned softly in a manner which revealed she was not completely awake. Ron continued stroking her, now running his hand down her neck and under the back of her sweater, intending to run his hand under her bra as well, but found she wasn't wearing one. She moaned softly again as Ron moved his hand around to the front and began to squeeze her breasts, which were just firm enough and just soft enough, and just the right size for his hand to grab completely. Her nipples became erect as he massaged first one, and then the other breast and she moaned softly. He then slipped his other hand down her skirt and panties, beginning to rub his finger in her soft, hairless vagina. (She uses Gertrude's Baldness Curse on it, a very creative use of a curse) Although she was asleep, she moaned slightly as she felt her clitoris being massaged gently, rushing the hormones to the proper receptive areas, the supersensitive nerves of the clitoris and labia tingling so much she had to wake up and began screaming – but not in terror, rather pleasure, as she dove on Ron and began making out with him, her tongue licking his lips and then darting into his mouth as her hands reached down and began undoing his belt and unzipping his jeans, then pulling them down to expose his hardened, erect penis, which she began rubbing as she made out with him, and then moved to his neck.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ginny were watching this. At first they were a bit uncomfortable, but began to get aroused as well. Ginny began to kiss Harry's cheek and move down to biting his neck, while also undoing his jeans.

"Ginny," Harry said, although allowing her to do this at first, realized it couldn't lead to the end. "We can't."

Ginny stopped and pouted, meanwhile her brother was moaning in pleasure as Hermione licked his penis and then put her upper lip over it, and eventually consumed the whole thing, licking and sucking up and down, in the perfect manner to bring Ron almost to orgasm and then bring it back a few times until he finally shot his warm, hot load into her mouth. She sat up and put her mouth completely over his and swished all the semen into his mouth, which they traded back and forth until it was all swallowed.

Ginny looked down to see that Harry wasn't even aroused anymore, and wondered if she had turned him off. What she didn't know was that he had cast Weasley's Autoerotic Charm to relieve him, followed by an anti-arousal charm that all adults everywhere wish could be mass cast on schools in general.

The Lady pushing the cart of candy rolled by, and began opening the door. Ron tried to cover up his penis, which was fortunately shrunk because he'd gotten off already, but wasn't quite able. When she opened the door, she immediately saw it and squinted.

"You!" she cried and pointed right at Ron. "Zip that up and come with me."

She led him away into another booth. "Sit down!"

Ron was nervous, he knew that he shouldn't have been engaged in sexual activity on the train, but of course she hadn't seen that. That was probably the only reason that Hermione didn't get in trouble, since at the time she hadn't been doing anything, but Ron's big cock was out.

"I'll be back in a moment," she said, startling Ron from his thoughts. She left and he sat there, thinking about how he would probably be expelled for this. They'd snap his wand in half, and Hermione would be disgusted with him. She was always so by the book. Except, it was partially her fault that this whole thing was happening now! He hoped that she wouldn't feel too bad about it, because it was he who started it, and her emotions just got the best of her. Oh dear.

The Lady came back and sat next to Ron.

"Ronald… I'm not going to tell anyone else what happened,"

Ron couldn't believe it, but was relieved anyway.

"But there is a…condition."

She untied the bathrobe she'd been wearing, and revealed she wasn't wearing anything underneath. Her old wrinkled, blue, vein-covered naked body stood in front of him like an apparition, but unfortunately it was all too real.

"Fuck me. Fuck me hard."

Ron winced and grimaced as he pulled out his member. He tried to focus on Hermione so he could get it hard enough to pleasure this woman, but he had just shot off a load, and besides, this woman was so ugly, he'd seen more attractive faces on hippogriffs.

"Aww, you can't get it up?" she said. "I'm afraid if you can't please me, I'll have to tell."

"No!" he cried and gripped his wand. "I can do it… _penis erectus!_" he cried, and his cock lengthened to 3ft and became prehensile, and was four inches in diameter. He curled it around her leg and pulled back hard, she fell on top of him.

"Ooh, this I like," she said, gripping his wanf tightly. "But I'll have to keep you from trying any tricky stuff." She began to shove his wand up her ass while she forced his dick into her vagina.

"Oooh yes that's good!" she cried, as Ron tried not to feel the wrinkles, veins and flakiness of her ancient pussy. Alas, the spell had the effect of making it ultra sensitive too.

Just when he thought all hope was lost, and how horrible it was that this was who he lost his virginity to, in burst another woman.

"Constance Stable!" this new woman cried. "What the FUCK are you doing to this child! Out, out!" she said, shoeing the old woman away.

Ron looked at the woman who had come in. She was much younger, in her early or mid 20's, and beautiful. She was tall, had shoulder-length reddish brown hair, and a slightly round but very lovely face. He wasn't sure about her body, as she wore a robe, but he imagined it was very well toned, with sexy long legs and a cute stomach. She looked at his penis and pulled at his wand.

"Let's see, I can undo this with the same wand that cast it." She rubbed the wand over his penis, as it shrunk until it was only 8 inches long and hard as steel.

"Doesn't it work completely?"

"Oh it worked," she said. "That's just how aroused you are at the moment."

She took off her robe, she was naked underneath, and his thoughts about her body were true. He was already quite aroused and his penis throbbed painfully.

She pulled him to his feet and began sucking on his lips as thou she was trying to suck his soul out. Ron allowed his hands to grip her firm ass, and she guided his phallus and inserted it into her wet, lubricated vagina. Ron instinctively thrust back and forth, without realizing what he was doing, until eventually they both toppled over and were on the floor of the car, Ron on top, giving as much as he was taking. The woman under him moaned and felt the hard, rough penis inside her and pushing against her and especially the friction of it on her clitoris. She arched her back and curled her toes, and let out a cry of pleasure in an extreme orgasm.

"You do well for your first time," she said as he rolled off and they lay next to each other, naked and panting.

"Second, technically," he said, and tried to smile.

She smiled too. "I'm Margaret Khan, the new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher."

Ron instantly worried again. The DADA teachers never lasted more than a year! Of course, Ron would be out by then, but he seriously hoped that she wouldn't get hurt.

"I'm Ronald Weasley," he replied.

Meanwhile, Harry had slipped off to visit the restroom, leaving Hermione and Ginny alone.

"I'm worried about Rom," Hermione said.

"Me too," Ginny agreed. "I'm also worried about Harry."

"Definitely."

Hermione stood up and walked over to the seat where Ginny was, and sat down next to her. She put her arms around her, which Ginny thought was slightly odd, but strangely comforting. She didn't resist, even when Hermione began kissing her neck and moving up to her cheek, then suddenly she had her tongue in Ginny's mouth, and Ginny lolled her tongue in Hermione's.

Without warning, the door began opening, and Hermione sprung back to her seat. Harry opened the door.

"Ah, feels much better," he said, sitting back down next to Ginny.


	2. Ron takes a ride on the train

After a bit, Ron came back in, tired and panting, clothes askew.

"What happened to you?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

Ron shook his head before he could get words out.

"I just..overheard Malfoy..talking."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS MALFOY DOING HERE??" Harry said, eyes beginning to glow red again as he stood up.

"LEAD ME TO HIM," He commanded Ron, who was too frightened to disobey. Hermione and Ginny followed.

Ron led them to another car where they heard voices within. Hermione cast a nonverbal auditory enhancement spell so they could listen in.

"…and then V-vold-d-em-mort gave ME the job to protect this horcrux."

"LISTEN TO HIM," Harry said in his commanding voice, but quietly. "THINKS HE'S SUCH A BADASS BUT CAN BARELY BRING HIMSELF TO SAY THE NAME OF THE VERY ONE HE SERVES."

With that, he kicked in the door.

"What the fuck??" Malfoy cried, and Crabbe and Goyle sprang up to defend him.

"MALFOY, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A WIZARD DUEL!!"

"I accept!"

"Nooooooooooooooo," cried a conductor, rushing into the room from Hammerspace. "Dueling in here is not allowed! But once a duel is accepted, it must be followed through! Follow me, we have a special dueling car on this train."

They followed the conductor, the whole party of them, Harry, Draco and company. They exited the passenger car they were in and passed a threshold into another car. When the door opened, they all gasped in shock (all except of course the conductor, who had been expecting it) as it was a huge room, much larger than the car could have been. It was dimly lit save for the very middle, which was brightly lit. There was a low circle, outlined in a wooden structure, which was lit up. The party correctly guessed this was the dueling ring. Around it was darkened stadium seating. On the far walls, grotesque gargoyles were carved into the stone. Yes, the walls were stone. Magic is a wonderfully confusing thing.

"Oi, oi say!" said one of the gargoyles to another. "We 'aven't 'ad a good duel in 'ere fer…oh, twenny-even anna 'alf yeahs, 'ave we?"

"Aye! 'ats roight, 'eve! 'S 'sciting, innit?"

"What the fuck are they saying?" Draco mumbled, only to be struck by the conductor.

"Shut the fuck up and listen," he said. "Now that there has been a challenge, it MUST be finished! All right, Potter, Malfoy, pick your seconds. Since Potter issued the challenge, he must pick first. The seconds will stand in the box behind the ring."

"I pick…Hermione Granger!" Harry said after a bit of thought. Everyone else looked shocked, including Hermione.

"She's practically the smartest witch in the world," Harry said as way of explanation.

"Well Potter," Malfoy said smoothly, recovering. "If you picked your girlfriend," (as he said this, Ron went red with anger) "I'll use mine. Patty!"

Hermione and Patty stepped into the boxes behind their respective firsts.

"Now since Potter issued the challenge, Malfoy will choose the weapon," the conductor explained.

"Any spell…no holds barred," Malfoy said, his steely gaze gripping Harry.

"All right, wands out!" Both wizards pulled out their wands and gripped them hard.

"BEGIN!"

"'Ey, 'eve, want sum pop't corn?" said the gargoyle.

"Dun mind if aye 'oo" replied the other.

Harry quickly cast a generic shield as he prepared his first offensive spell. Draco's first spell came flying at him, and his shield moved to intercept it. Both of them fizzled out, and Harry launched his attack.

"_Spectrumspulchra!_" he cried, the same spell he'd attacked Draco with before. But Draco was prepared this time. As soon as he heard that, he cast the appropriate counterspell.

"You'll have to try harder than that, Potter," Malfoy taunted.

Suddenly Harry knew what he had to do. He had to use a non-verbal spell. Malfoy's next attack came flying toward him and hit him square in the chest. It burned his robe and scorched his skin, but he gritted his teeth and cast his best non-verbal spell.

_Autoerotica Vesli!_ he thought with all his might toward Malfoy.

Malfoy froze and then began convulsing as the spell pleasured him. He started to writhe on the floor. After 10 seconds of this, the conductor spoke up:

"The winner is Harry Potter!"

Hermione ran over to him and waved her wand over the burnt part of his chest, healing it.

"Oh Harry, I was worried!" she said, hugging him.

Ron watched, bubbling within, with his penis hardening as he imagined Malfoy naked in his room tied to his bed waiting to be fucked-- All of a sudden Ron realized his gay tendencies and figured he was being controlled. Wondering who was casting this spell, he looked around the room. He doubted any of the girls would be man enough, so that left Malfoy, Harry, or the Conductor. Malfoy was most likely, considering it was him that was giving him pleasure, but before he could figure out the culprit, the Conductor let out a sigh of relief and said "Duel Over, oh, and everyone can return to their respective cars." As they were leaving the Conductor put his arm over Ron and winked at him. Shuddering, Ron orgasmed under his robe, cock as big and hard as a rhino's penis.

"I swear mates, he was coming on to me!"

"It's in your head Ron," Harry replied to him. "No one thinks you're hot."

"But but-" Ron protested.

"I think he's handsome," Hermione defended, kissing him on the cheek. "Looks like I've got some competition," she chided.

"What does it mean that he was attracted to me?"

"Obviously, he's a pervert," Hermione said calmly, logically.


	3. Class and Stuff

The rest of the ride to the castle passed without a hitch. At the end platform, they got off, and then left the train too. "Firs' yeahs…" Hagrid called haggardly, obviously not quite up to the task of gathering the first years any longer.

"'lo Hagrid," Harry and company said solemnly.

"'lo 'Arry," Hagrid replied.

The older students simply walked to the castle. Quite a distance, and at such a slow pace it was like a funeral march. In a way it was. After all, their dear old Dumbledore died last year at the hands of none other than Severus Snape, that bastard. Harry hated him with every fiber and force of his being. He vowed that this would be the year where he finally extracted a certain sort of vengeance upon the fled teacher! Even if he had to hunt him down himself. Even if it distracted from his studies.

"H-Harry?" Ron said, waving a hand in front of Harry's face. "Are you all right? You're standing there, after all."

"Sorry," Harry replied, snapping out of it. "I was monologuing inwardly."

"'Salright," Red-headed Ron returned reluctantly, roused right round right-handed – bah, screw this alliteration. "Happens to the best of us."

They went into the Great Hall, wherein a delectable dinner upon which they dined delicately, deciding divinely to devour the dishes with dynamic dactyls, awaited them. And then they proceeded to watch the sorting ceremony in which all elegance and grandeur was torn away, fucked vigorously and left the now devirginized first years in a shocked and awed state of wretched turmoil from which they would never recover. Also, they were sorted into their houses. But the experience left them psychically drained and thus vulnerable to the brainwashing that is Hogwarts Academy. Sieg Heil and all that jazz.

"Mmm, Freshmeat," Ron said, eying them with malevolence and hunger – a ravaging hunger that can only be satisfied by taking advantage of naivety and innocence.

"Down boy," Hermione said. "You promised you wouldn't take _all_ their money this year."

"Well leave 'em with some, right mate?" Ron said, nudging Harry, who was unresponsive. Harry, meanwhile, was staring at Ginny.

"Oh, huh? Right mate," he said offhandedly.

"Well fuck!" came a cry from down the table. "Fuckity fuck fuck fucking fuck, FUCK."

"What the fuck is going on down there?" Ron wondered, stealing some food from everyone's plate while they were distracted by the sudden outcry of uncreative profanity. It looked like someone spilled their drink. Could this be...portents of ill omen? Or possibly just a clumsy student who was careless with their pumpkin juice. You know what letter doesn't start enough words? J. It's an unloved letter. Oh wait, now I've broken the fourth wall. Fuck the fourth wall anyway, after all everything else is getting fucked around here.

Where was I? Oh yeah, something about the feast. Well now they're eating, and they've eaten, and hehe, eaten. Roight. Umm – let's cut to the first day of classes.

"So, the first day of CLASS" said McGonagall, with a slight gleam in her eye that betrayed a motive more than just teaching. "Welcome to Transmutat – I mean, Transfigurations class. Advanced edition. This means you will all have to work very hard. THIS MEANS YOU, POTTER AND WEASLEY!" She cried, slamming the table and staring at them. "You know, I'm UP TO HERE with you getting away with everything."

"So are we!" the fed-up audience members cried from off-camera.

"Silence, you" McGonagall told them. "Now, this year is going to be filled with lots of transfigurations..." she went over to her shelf and pulled out a dusty tome. "Let's see... transmutations, transmutations... let's try 'Fly'. Everyone get out your feathers."

"_Flyus Meus!" _Hermione said, and gracefully lifted up into the air.

"_Flyus Me-" _Ron began, only to be punched by Harry, who was next to him.

"Sorry," Harry said. "Attack of opportunity."

The rest of their day was filled with the usually fluffiness, the kind of stuff that fills these books without _really_ advancing the plot, and since frankly I can't think of any more jokes to wedge in here, this has to be the end of this chapter. Short one but you know, on it behooves you to update often.


End file.
